Sitting at my child’s sporting presentation night and I’m sitting by myself, ignoring all the other adults around me.
Staying silent, staying still, avoiding eye contact, avoiding conversations with others.
I’m extremely uncomfortable in crowds. I hate having to have conversations with people that I don’t know – heck, I hate having conversations with those I do know!!
Sitting here thinking I am a social outcast, and I think
I deliberately avoid situations that require me to interact with adults. I’m a fly solo type of person. Someone who enjoys their own company, and finds it extremely hard to hold conversations with others.
I have such a huge anxiety as I sit here surround by the other parents who are all chatting merrily and laughing, my chest is flushed, my heart is beating rapidly, I’m feeling like I could easily vomit.
My confidence is beneath floor level. Wish I could climb down there with it.
I haven’t always been this way. I was outspoken, confident, full of life, happy, excited, and well liked. I enjoyed partying, and going out with my friends. I looked good, had a gorgeous body, and caught the eye of others.
Then one day I was assaulted.
Bashed. Punched and kicked. Left bruised, battered, and with fractured bones.
That was a turning point on my life, that was the time that I lost my smile.
I withdrew from my friends, I didn’t go out anymore. I lost confidence in everything. I struggled to talk on the phone, I struggled to make small talk to the checkout chicks at the supermarket. I put on weight. A lot of weight.
I got to be 100kg overweight. Complete comfort in eating. Food didn’t let me down, didn’t hurt me, didn’t hit me. Food made me feel better. It always helped.
As I got bigger, I became more withdrawn. I hid away, I now hate my body, hate people seeing my body, I hate being anywhere that people can see me. Look at me. Judge me, I feel their looks of disgust, I hear them internalising their judgement of how fat I am, the excess rolls that bounce and jiggle with my movement,
As much as I hate my fat, revolting, disgusting body, food is the only thing that helps in any way.
I need to change that mindset. If only I knew how.