Through the eyes of a fat chick

Happy New Year.

As Australia burns, lives are being lost, properties destroyed, I’m struggling to find the “Happy” part.
So many towns under threat by bushfire.
So many communities torn apart.
All I can do is pray.
Pray for people to stay safe.
Pray for our firefighters to find inner strength to keep on going despite facing daily hell.
Pray that no more lives or property are lost.
Pray for rain, much needed rain, for the entire country, but specifically across the fire grounds engulfing so much of Australia.
I’m in total disbelief at the horror facing some communities.
Please let us have copious amounts of rain.

 
I went to celebrate in town last night. To watch the fireworks and hopefully meet new people, or meet up with people I knew.

As I sat on my blanket, watching happiness, friendships and couples around me, all that did was make me realise just how pathetic and lonely I really am.
I had no one to spend time with. No one to chat too, No one wanted to spend time with me.
Completely pathetic, unloved, sad and alone.

At 11:15pm, our fireworks were cancelled. So I packed up, walked back to my car, and had the overwhelming desire to cry.
I couldn’t even bring myself to start the car, and head toward home. I just didn’t want to exist.

The new year started, people celebrating around me, and all I could do was cry.

Today, the first day of a new decade, and I’m struggling.

Struggling to find happiness.
Struggling to feel self worth.
Struggling to hold back tears which are constantly welling up in my eyes.
Struggling with the loneliness.
Struggling to see how I can keep functioning in this life.

I’m surrounded by people, and yet I feel like I’m drowning in an unlovable sea of loneliness.

Fuck I hope I can pull myself out of this funk.

I want to find the ‘Happy’ in Happy New Year. But I’m struggling today.