It’s been over a year since I opened my blog to add anything to it. And to be honest, it’s been a fucking hard year.
I’ve had a year of change, what should be financial stability, I’ve moved into my ‘forever’ home and I’m completely debt free. I should be elated, excited, relieved and enthusiastic about the future, but I feel like I’m dying inside.
Some days, I want to crawl up in a ball and just fade away into oblivion.
Some days, I want to find a man, and have a non committed good, hard, passionate fuck to try and fuck the frustrations away.
Some days I want to find a woman and have wet, slippery sex with her and taste her on my lips.
Some days I want to stand in the shower and just cry. Or sleep the entire day away, I’m not really sure how I’ve been holding it together. At All.
I’ve been with my husband, on and off, for 21 years. Some days I’d be happy never to see him again, some days I struggle when he’s not in the same room. I love this man with all of my being, but I don’t want any intimacy with him. I want intimacy with others – without the commitment. How the hell do you tell your partner that? We haven’t slept in the same bed for over a decade, we’ve not been intimate for over 6 years, he’s my best friend and we behave as such. I don’t think of him as a lover anymore and haven’t for a very long time. And it’s killing me to hold that inside. I can’t tell him that. It’ll destroy him. And I’d rather destroy myself than put him through that. I feel like such an absolute bitch for admitting that, but it’s how I feel if I’m being completely honest with myself.
I want to go and meet new people, have new sexual experiences with other people. Have some one night stands. I want to be ME instead of the mum/wife that I am. But I can’t. I have to hold it inside, and play happy families because I know the rage, hurt and pain it’ll cause if I do follow what I want in life. I actually fear what may happen if I do tell my husband that I want out, we’ve split before, and it was scary as hell. And if I do tell him, how the hell do I let him go. He’s been the only constant on my life for over 2 decades. I’m fucked if I know what to do.
How did I get myself into this mess? How can I continue to live this lie and play happy family when I’m not even close to happy? It’s just too bloody complicated.
I’d love for him to find someone new, Someone that can love and cherish him as a partner, someone who can love him the way he wants me too. He deserves to be happy, and I think I’m holding him back from true happiness.
This year has seen me at my lowest point. I’ve wanted to end my life on several occasions, even had the tree lined up as I accelerated my car. But if I do that, my kids end up homeless, and it’s not fair on them at all.
I know I need to sort my shit out, and own this problem that I’ve created for myself, but where the fuck do I start? Holding everything deep inside is the only way not to create a world of hurt for those I love.
Even if it means my own happiness can never be. I don’t deserve to find that happiness at the pain of others.
I’m just a hot shit mess at the moment.
Through the eyes of a fat chick 